My husband and I just finished a self confrontation bible study with our wonderfully supportive friends and learned so much about what is truly important in God's eyes. It opened my mind to so much. It made me see that I have expectations for others that have lead me to be judgmental, rude and angry at times. What are my expectations you ask? Beyond what anyone can actually achieve. For the longest time I would freak out if someone was mad at me and I still struggle with this. I will go over and over in my head things that I could have said or done that would upset this person all because they didn't answer the phone when I called. I swear Im crazy.
I have learned from the self confrontation study that the reason I do this is because I am always being negative towards others. No, you wouldn't know I am upset or being judgmental but in my head Im thinking these things. I have learned to not allow myself to have these angry evil thoughts towards others and it has changed my life tremendously! When you start this study you are required to come up with a specific area in your life that you feel you need help in. Mine was competition.
When I started I struggled in this so much I compared my life, my marriage, my child, my parenting, my looks, my house, my everything to others. I often struggled with relationships with others because deep down I was so jealous that they had something I didn't.. I would look at other women and be jealous that I didn't have the relationship with my mother that they have with theirs. I struggle with allowing myself to be close to others because of the lack of parents I had as a child. Now dont get me wrong I have an amazing father who has provided me with any and everything I wanted since birth but a young girl needs more than just expensive jeans and a cool cell phone. I needed my mom! I have come to terms with my mothers disfunction and I have nothing but love in my heart for her but i really am finding I had not moved past these things until that study. I built walls up against people in my life that had hurt me at one time because I was unable to trust others.
I dealt with my mom going on and off of drugs and alcohol all of my life; so to believe that something or someone actually cared for me was hard to believe. I was an emotional wreck at all times. I still am emotional but my emotions are a good thing now!I feel like God has changed me so much in the past year. Although I still fall short and struggle, I feel a change. I dont have the thoughts of jealousy and competition any more and whats funny is when I felt that others were competing with me I realize now that it was really me who was being competitive. I no longer struggle with anxiety after every unanswered phone call (unless I know I was a bit of a brat that day). I guess the point of this blog is to reassure myself that MY GOD IS GOOD! He has again changed me when I thought there was no hope of being different. He is MIGHTY and again has proven stronger than my pride! He is ALL POWERFUL and has taken over yet again when I thought I was in control. My heart is new again.
By the way I have started Bloom (A mommy ministry at sagebrush) and it is A-mazing! It is teaching me how to be intentional in my parenting and focuses a lot on leaving a legacy behind. I also am reading Revolutionary Parenting which is a wonderful book so far. The women Jessica Kennedy who teaches the class is wonderful and has been my Mommy hero since I had Cayden. So its super awesome to get to see her and learn more from her. God is doing wonderful things for me and I sure many women in the group and I will be blogging about the class in the near future I am sure. Well this was a nice litte half hour of peace and quiet.
